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Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, "Moose Jaw Times Herald", a local newspaper in Saskatchewan reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Moose Jaw, Ole Karbaluski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ’123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, (well maybe not) and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It i s not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Ripley писал(а):


(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

I need onion!
- Mam, we don't have onion here, it's not a supermarket!
- But, I need onion!
- Look, mam, let's try your adequacy. Now, how many "o"s are in the word
book?
- Two.
- Yepp, that's correct. And how many "p"s are in the word people?
- Two.
- Hit the mark again! Now, how many "fuck"s are in the word onion?
- But, there's no "fuck" in onion!
- That's the point THERE'S NO FUCKIN ONION!!!!!
)

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.


Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

This is funny! Don't cheat! Try to figure it out
How can you tell this table is being sold by a man?

This table was for sale on eBay.
How can you tell it is being sold by a man?
Can you solve this little riddle?
First look and guess.
You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!

Know the answer? If not, scroll down now.....
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OK,
Look in the mirror. Remember, if you are posting a picture on the world-wide web, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture.

Retirement Planning


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would have been
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drank all
the wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would
have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily
and recycle.

These classifieds were real.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Susan.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron
Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch
owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't
go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally
explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal
Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant
pocket
and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to
the farmer.


'See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish..on
any land. No questions asked or
answered given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you
understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his
chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies
the RCMP officer running
for his life and close behind is the
rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on
the officer.

The officer is clearly
terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his
lungs.....


'Your badge! Show him your fucking
badge!'