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“Death and Dying”, excerpted from George Carlin’s “On the Road” album, 1976.


Geez, I hope I don't die.
Oh by the way, you're all going to die.
Didn't mean to remind you of it, but uh, it is on your schedule.
Won't come when you want.
It's always off a little.
"What, now, here, on the freeway?"

...

When Monty Hall dies, he'll probably go behind door number 4.

...

Suicide is for people who can't wait to find out where the hell it is they're going.

...

Suppose you work on the Suicide Hotline.
Helping people, talking them out of it.
That's your job.
"Hello, Suicide Hotline".
And one morning you wake up a little depressed...should you call in sick?

...

When I die I don't want to go through that funeral.
Hey when you die, you get more popular than you've ever been in your whole life.
You get more flowers when you die than you ever got at all.
They all arrive at once, too late.
People say the nicest things about you, they'll make **** up if they have to, man.
"Oh yeah, he's an *******, but a well-meaning *******."
"Yeah, poor Bill is dead, yeah, poor Bill is dead."
"Poor Tom is Gone."
"Yeah, poor Tom."
"Poor John died."
"What about Ed?"
"No that ************, he's still alive, man!"
Yeah, your approval curve goes way up!


Rest in peace, George!