Анекдоты на английском.

[Victor Okunev]

Two delicate flowers of womanhood, one from Alberta, the other from B.C. were conversing in front of a large white residence in Burnaby

The one lady from B.C. said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful residence for me."
The lady from Alberta said, "Well isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the driveway." Again the lady from Alberta commented. "Well isn't that nice??"

The lady from B.C. continued to boast, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the lady from Alberta commented, "Well isn't that nice??"

The lady from B.C. then asked the lady from Alberta, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school, declared the Albertan.

"Charm school!" the lady from B.C. cried, "For goodness sake, what on earth for?"

The lady from Alberta responded, "So that instead of saying 'Who gives a shit', I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?"

[QueenR]

Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....


If This Does Not Make You Laugh Out Loud, You Have Lost Your Sense Of Humor.



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Yury]

If This Does Not Make You Laugh Out Loud, You Have Lost Your Sense Of Humor

Looks Like I've Lost Mine

[Bigfoot]

Картинки и фотографии не из русскоязычного пространства также приветствуются

[Скрипка]

[funny_cat]

THIS BEATS ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. 'who's been eating my porridge? ! !', he
squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my Porridge? ! !,' he
roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells,

'For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with
you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first;

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water
and food dish,

and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs,

and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,

listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!

[Victor Okunev]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Wizard]

Canada Audit
>
>
> Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
> a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then
> turns to the
> Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
>
> "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
>
> "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
> asked.
>
> "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
> When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and
> every now and
> then, they send us a free box of candles."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his
> question actually had a practical answer. So he thought
> he'd try another
> question, in his obnoxious way...
>
> "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do
> with the crumbs from the matzo?
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
> crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every
> now and
> then, they send a box of matzo balls."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the
> Rabbi.
>
> "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
> foreskins from the circumcisions?"
>
> "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we
> do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we
> actually send
> them to Revenue Canada ."
>
> "To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And
> about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Wizard]

[Wizard]

[elena S.]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Wizard]

[Wizard]

[Victor Okunev]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, "Moose Jaw Times Herald", a local newspaper in Saskatchewan reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Moose Jaw, Ole Karbaluski, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

[Wizard]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'