Анекдоты на английском.

[Victor Okunev]

Я едва не помер со смеха, читая эту историю.....

FIRST DATE

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamedin laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[nik]

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

[Hairy Potter]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Msrw511 ... re=related

[nik]

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips

[nik]

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

[nik]

Joe's Operation

Joe goes to the doctor for his terrible headaches.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your severe headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates your terrible constant headaches.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was miss ing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a mens clothing store and thought, "˜Thats what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see,
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 brief
since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[nik]

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students
put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing,
the little boots still didn't want to go on
By the time they got the second boot on,
she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together,
they worked to get the boots back on, this time
on the right feet. He then announced,
"These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his
face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?"
like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off
when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[nik]

Five tips for a woman.....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[jenky]

151 bus worst joke of the day:

Why cannibals don't eat clowns? They taste funny.

[nik]

[nik]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

[nik]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

[trader07]

I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye.

Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair—and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there hours before.

[nik]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

[Alesanda]

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."