Анекдоты на английском.

[Alesanda]

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

[Alesanda]

И актуальненький
Immigration Test
How to pass an immigration test in Canada...
Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at a Telus help desk.

[Alesanda]

"Is there a number higher than infinity?" "Oh yes- infinity plus shipping and handling"

[nik]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

[nik]

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

[Victor Okunev]

Two guys, one an old-timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old timer says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Most old-timers are helpful like that.

[Victor Okunev]

Two delicate flowers of womanhood, one from Alberta, the other from B.C. were conversing in front of a large white residence in Burnaby

The one lady from B.C. said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful residence for me."
The lady from Alberta said, "Well isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the driveway." Again the lady from Alberta commented. "Well isn't that nice??"

The lady from B.C. continued to boast, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the lady from Alberta commented, "Well isn't that nice??"

The lady from B.C. then asked the lady from Alberta, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school, declared the Albertan.

"Charm school!" the lady from B.C. cried, "For goodness sake, what on earth for?"

The lady from Alberta responded, "So that instead of saying 'Who gives a shit', I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?"

[QueenR]

Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....


If This Does Not Make You Laugh Out Loud, You Have Lost Your Sense Of Humor.



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Yury]

If This Does Not Make You Laugh Out Loud, You Have Lost Your Sense Of Humor

Looks Like I've Lost Mine

[Bigfoot]

Картинки и фотографии не из русскоязычного пространства также приветствуются

[Скрипка]

[funny_cat]

THIS BEATS ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. 'who's been eating my porridge? ! !', he
squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my Porridge? ! !,' he
roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells,

'For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with
you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first;

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water
and food dish,

and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs,

and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,

listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!

[Victor Okunev]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Wizard]

Canada Audit
>
>
> Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
> a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then
> turns to the
> Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
>
> "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
>
> "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
> asked.
>
> "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
> When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and
> every now and
> then, they send us a free box of candles."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his
> question actually had a practical answer. So he thought
> he'd try another
> question, in his obnoxious way...
>
> "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do
> with the crumbs from the matzo?
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
> crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every
> now and
> then, they send a box of matzo balls."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the
> Rabbi.
>
> "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
> foreskins from the circumcisions?"
>
> "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we
> do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we
> actually send
> them to Revenue Canada ."
>
> "To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And
> about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Wizard]