Великий и могучий русский язык
Больных в семь утра закапывать всех (объявление в глазном отделении больницы).
В связи с ремонтом парикмахерской укладка женщин будет производиться в мужском зале.
В семь вечера в среду в третьем подъезде состоится собрание. Повестка дня: выборы домового.
Ввиду холода в рентгеновском кабинете делаем только срочные переломы.
Вы получите биотуалет по любому адресу в Москве в течение одного дня. А вместе с ним инструкцию на русском языке и квалифицированную демонстрацию.
Девушка по имени Лена, которую я встретил 12 октября неподалеку от станции "Кузьминки". Твои белокурые волосы и красное пальто - все, что у меня осталось. Прошу откликнуться. Игорь.
Делаем полиэтиленовые мешки по размеру заказчика.
Дети выдаются отцам только в трезвом состоянии.
Дети до пятилетнего возраста проходят в цирк на руках.
Завтра в 9.00 у магазина будет проводиться распродажа живых кур, по полторы на человека.
ЗУБЫ? Наши стоматологи сделают все, чтобы вы навсегда забыли о них!
Кондитерская фабрика приглашает на работу двух мужчин - одного для обертки, другого для начинки.
Ларек "Вторсырья" принимает отбросы общества охотников и рыболовов в виде костей.
Лифт вниз не поднимает.
Организация ищет бухгалтера. Вознаграждение гарантируем!!!
Москвичка ищет работу по специальности или бухгалтером.
Один звонок, и вам оформят свидетельство о смерти, изготовят венки!
Приглашаются грузчики для интересной работы.
Продается коккер-спаниель. Мать признана "Лучшей сукой породы".
Продается немецкая овчарка. Недорого. Ест любое мясо. Особенно любит маленьких детей.
Продается русский голубой кот. Без документов.
Продаю коляску для новорожденного синего цвета.
Продаются три поросенка, все разного пола.
Продаются четыре гусыни и гусак. Все несутся.
Ресторан не работает, официантки все распущенные.
Сегодня в холле гостиницы состоится лекция на аморальные темы. Читает милиция.
Совхоз "Солнечный" закупает телок от частных лиц черно-пестрой масти.
Продаются три поросенка, все разного пола.
Правила форума
Пожалуйста, ознакомьтесь с правилами данного форума
Пожалуйста, ознакомьтесь с правилами данного форума
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Gaziz
- Житель
- Сообщения: 944
- Зарегистрирован: 17 фев 2003, 15:57
- Откуда: Almaty-Toronto-Vancouver-Seattle
-
Russ
- Пользователь
- Сообщения: 65
- Зарегистрирован: 23 июл 2006, 22:31
- Откуда: Ижевск, Россия
-
Russ
- Пользователь
- Сообщения: 65
- Зарегистрирован: 23 июл 2006, 22:31
- Откуда: Ижевск, Россия
Вот, долго искать не пришлось:
On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT
On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE
On a bar of Dial soap
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING
On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY
On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE
On Sainsbury's peanuts
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS
On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY
On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY
On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT
On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE
On a bar of Dial soap
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING
On a Korean kitchen knife
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY
On a Japanese food processor
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE
On Sainsbury's peanuts
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS
On a Swedish chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY
On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY
On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY
On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
-
Russ
- Пользователь
- Сообщения: 65
- Зарегистрирован: 23 июл 2006, 22:31
- Откуда: Ижевск, Россия
часть вторая
Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bankok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATIES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bankok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATIES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
-
sobomax
- Маньяк
- Сообщения: 3699
- Зарегистрирован: 29 июн 2006, 22:53
- Откуда: Vancouver
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Kuzya
- Маньяк
- Сообщения: 1600
- Зарегистрирован: 10 июн 2005, 17:51
- Откуда: Kyiv-Vancouver
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Victoria
- Очарованный странник
- Сообщения: 40366
- Зарегистрирован: 05 июн 2006, 08:34
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Alesanda
- Маньяк
- Сообщения: 4268
- Зарегистрирован: 10 июн 2005, 11:54
- Откуда: Vancouver