Сообщения машинистов в Лондонской подземке

[elena S.]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound tracks and head in the opposite direction."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome; that is, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news or the bad news first? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination anytime soon."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now: Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall....'"

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately towels will not be provided."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their #$*(@!% hand stuck in the door!"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: What part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors. (pause) Please move all belongings away from the doors. (pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come back there and shove them up your arse... sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."

http://na-dene.livejournal.com/332179.html#cutid1

[Kate]

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy.
At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China."
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"